humiliation

I thought I’d outgrow the peer pressure I felt in high school. I thought maybe someday I’d stop dressing and acting in ways I thought would impress other people. But it’s still hard.

There’s a lot I don’t get about King David, but what’s probably the most bizarre to me is his episode of dancing in front of the ark. I read about it in 2 Samuel 6, about the criticism he got from his wife Michal afterwards, and his reply in verses 21 and 22: “I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes."

The dancing and celebration I kind of get, even though I might be too self-conscious to do it, especially after being corrected by my wife. But to say I’m willing to be even more undignified and humiliated, even to myself, if that’s what God wants? I’m not sure I’d be able to do that.

The problem is, to avoid ridicule in this world almost requires hiding the fact that I’m a Christian. Even in my so-called Christian community, I daily run into ethical arguments I don’t understand. When I argue that fair value is more important than maximum profit, I’m sometimes called a prog or liberal by other businessmen. When I speak against the use of force to solve problems, my military friends might call me a coward - I remember that vividly from military ethics classes as a young officer. When I suggest family time might be more important than dedication to a sport, some people have simply stopped talking to me. Even here, in this small town with more churches than bars, I’ve learned to be very, very careful with the topic of LGBT issues.

Sometimes I feel like a weirdo trying to stand for what’s right. Sometimes I am mocked for things I say, and on a few occasions even humiliated. It happens often enough that now I’m just as likely to stay out of it as I am to dance when the Lord dances or to work with Him for restoration.

The truth is, I am a bit of a coward, but not for the reasons my soldier buddies thought. I’m not really afraid of physical injury. I’m afraid of not being liked, not being included. I’m afraid people will think I’m pathetic. I fear being different. 

But different - distinctive is the word we Christians use - is what I’m called to be.