forgetting

I have the worst kind of memory: I can remember in excruciating detail embarrassing or disappointing things I did years ago, decades even. For example, I put in 25 years in the Iowa Guard and had a reputation as a good officer; I achieved things as a part-time solder that most full-timers don’t. And yet, my strongest memories are of those times I messed up, and I wonder if my soldiers thought I was really a light-weight.

That’s why I struggle with Paul’s example, explained by him in Philippians 3:13-14: “But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

How did Paul do it? How did he let go of a lifetime of being a Pharisee, and especially of the baby churches and new Christians he destroyed. What was his secret? Knowing Paul, it had something to do with his ability to make himself completely secondary to the work of Jesus.

As I said, I struggle with that, to the point that it can distract me from the second part of Paul’s actions: straining toward what is ahead. I get distracted from the future, sometimes by the past, and often by the present. I don’t even look at retirement as often as I should, much less what comes after this life.

I should. The prize, as Paul describes it, for which God has called me heavenward is the best thing imaginable; in fact, it’s so good I can’t really imagine it. But I know it’s better than anything in my past, or anything I’m doing today. So why can’t I keep my mind there?

Paul probably had his bad days too. He probably writes this because it’s true more times than not. I should think about the fact that in his human struggles he was still able to write this, because that suggests that, with all those faults and flaws that I still struggle to forget, I can live up to his example.

While I work on forgetting, I need to also work on remembering. I need to let go of my past mistakes, but I need to remember that they’ve already been accounted for by Jesus. My worst sins are forgiven. As someone once said, it takes a special kind of arrogance to refuse to forgive yourself the things that Jesus has.