doubts

Mark 11:22-25: “‘Have faith in God,’ Jesus answered. ‘Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, “Go, throw yourself into the sea,” and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours. And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.’”

I’ve struggled with this passage all my life. I’m not going to say I don’t believe it, but in some very key ways I don’t. I’ve never believed I could move a mountain with my prayers.

I doubt because I don’t have enough faith in two things:

First, I don’t have faith that what I pray for is what God would want. Even if I prayed to move a mountain, would it be to serve my own pride? To prove my own worth? Or would it be for worthy motives? I believe God answers prayers that are in line with his will, but so much of my thinking isn’t.

And then, honestly, I wonder whether, even if what I pray is within his will, God would do this thing for me. I haven’t exactly been the best example of faithful obedience in my life, and it seems like he may just let me sit in silence until I’m more attentive to the relationship.

Both of these doubts show how little I understand. I don’t take into account Jesus as my High Priest and mediator, taking my prayers and making them all acceptable before God. And I don’t take into account God’s character - he is Love, with a capital L, the very defining standard of all that is good. He knows I’m not worthy, but he loves anyway, and responds as if I were. For Jesus’ sake.

My problem is I’m trying to have faith as an act of exertion on my part, rather than belief in God’s power to do as he promised. Praying to let go of self-faith and grasp onto God is one I’m sure he’ll want to answer.