forgotten?

There’s something that I’m still waiting for.

For all my adult life, I’ve tried to be an obedient servant to God. I’ve had my own ideas of what that should look like, but none of those have panned out. Instead, God put in front of me a lay preaching ministry, local church leadership, and this blog. As near as I can tell, in addition to the general call to a relationship with him and service to his people, this is God’s call for me. At a minimum, it’s my best attempt to faithfully answer his call.

What I’m waiting for still is the joy. I’m waiting for the thing I see in my missionary brother and some of my pastor and teacher friends, that sense of eagerness to get at it because of the exhilaration of doing God’s work with him. So far, I mostly feel drained, trying to keep it all going along with a busy work and family life. Often it feels like a lot of work and little reward.

Now, that in no way is a problem compared to the long march into exile that prompted God’s people to write Lamentations. But it did make Lamentations 5:19-22 resonate. “You, Lord, reign forever; your throne endures from generation to generation. Why do you always forget us? Why do you forsake us so long?”

Not to sound whiny - I have a really easy life - but my best chance of understanding Lamentations is to think about my role in ministry. Sometimes I feel like God has forgotten I’m  still waiting.  I know not only that that isn’t true, but also that it’s a self-pitying, self-indulgent way to think.

But how else can I try to imagine what might make someone feel abandoned by God? I don’t have another, better frame of reference. God has been with me in dangerous times, and times when I’ve been close to evil. He’s walked close by through poor health, not enough money, and spiritual isolation. In all those times I could feel him there. What did it feel like to feel forgotten by God? Even at my most self-indulgent whiniest I never really think God took his eye off me.

It’s a chilling thought. What would happen if he really did? I can't imagine; God is too good.