faint-hearted

I used to think I could change the world. In fact, I was convinced I was going to. I thought I could to rise to the highest ranks in the Army and use that institution to model morality for the whole country. Or I might work my way from a mid-market daily newspaper to a world thought-leader like the Wall Street Journal, where my syndicated column would influence policy around the globe.

That was the un-informed idealism of a young man, and I abandoned those dreams somewhere in my 30s. I think if I had made that my sole focus, if I had obsessively pursued it, I could have gotten a long way down either of those paths. But I realized somewhere along the line that my relationships were more important than that, and more of a blessing.

So I formed a new dream: I was going to use my writing to win souls. I had all kinds of ideas about magazine articles and books and, later on, online aggregators. But somehow, that never came to be. I used to say it was because I don’t have time. The fact is, I spend a lot of time in leisure. Really, I kind of lost heart. And, honestly, I haven’t given it serious thought for a while.

Until I read Psalm 61 this morning. That Psalm starts out like this: “Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”

These verses made me think that I may have become faint-hearted. It’s not fear. It’s more a sense of fatalism that, since things haven’t worked out in the past, they aren’t going to. I’ve fallen into a cynical mindset that tells me not to work so hard on something that likely will never pan out. After all, the world doesn’t care much about God’s words anymore, much less mine. There’s so much working against me.

But then I think, God didn’t excuse me from his vineyards. Oh, he didn’t specifically say go write stuff, but he did say to use my talents for his people. If I’m not going to write then I’d better be doing something else. Sitting on the couch shouldn’t be an option.

This morning’s reading was a call to action for me. It was a challenge to go to that rock that is higher than I am, to re-energize my efforts for God’s people. It was a push to shake off my middle-aged lethargy and get back at it.

The thought of myself as faint-hearted shames me. There’s all the courage and energy and effectiveness in the world for Christ-followers - God has promised I will run and not grow tired, I will rise up on wings like an eagle. A faint-hearted Christian is like a cowardly lion. I don’t want that to be me.